Among the hundreds of other things that the pandemic has taught us is the fact that we all need support.

Not just physical and financial, but also emotional.

But even before the health crisis struck, there was increasing awareness of the pressure that men faced. The world was experiencing unemployment, suicide rates, alcohol and drug abuse, sexual violence, domestic abuse and depression on an unprecedented scale, with men bearing a large part of this burden.

What men also face is the pressure of having to conform to cultural and social stereotypes of what it is to be a “Man”.

There is a growing trend of men’s support groups emerging across the world to deal with the issues that men face.

Let’s look at some of these typical gender-related attitudes that society holds across geographies and cultures:

• Women are more “emotional” and express their feelings more frequently and more intensely than men
• Crying is more associated with women and “weakness”
• Expressing feelings is encouraged in girls while boys are taught to hold their feelings in
• Women share their feelings freely especially with other women
• Men are supposed to maintain a stoic silence when they face problems
• Women express a wider range of different emotions and nuanced feelings that men don’t understand
• Men are restricted from expressing or disclosing their intimate, innermost feelings
• Men are allowed to express anger, contempt and happiness, but not fear, anxiety or dependence

Given the restrictive and constrictive nature of the Mars and Venus stereotypes that society imposes on us, across different cultures, the social and emotional training of a male child begins at a very young age.

Emotion Expressions Are Learned in Childhood

Children are keen observers of the world around them, and learn to model or imitate behaviors according to what the adults encourage or discourage.

Though gender differences are absent in infancy, the social training is imbibed during the toddler or pre-schooler stage.

In Western cultures, especially, parents tend to discuss more emotional topics with their daughters rather than their sons.

Women are allowed to express anger and contempt mainly through words and facial expressions, while men can express these in physical terms.

As children grow, they carry these learnings into their adult lives and their interactions with peers.

The concepts of “masculinity” and “femininity” are socially learned and defined constructs. Gender responses are mainly normalized through social structures, parental attitudes, culture, interactions, context, and peer relationships.

The Man Box

Researcher Mark Greene and others have defined a dominant type of over emphasized masculinity as the “Man Box”

It describes behaviors, expectations and perceptions that are rigidly imposed by the social environment to define what is and what is not “manly behavior”.

Attributes that are considered “masculine” and worthy of the Man Box are:

• Authority
• Virile
• Stoic
• Athletic
• Competitive
• Rational
• Successful
• Strong
• Responsible

This gives men the license to indulge in behaviors such as flirting, being tough, drinking to excessive, disruptive and aggressive behaviors, rule breaking, speeding, risky behaviors etc.

Any differences and violation of these perceptions of “manliness” are strictly policed by the peer group, and society in general, with mockery “Acting like a girl” “Manning Up” or “Not being man enough”.

There is also homophobia related policing of male emotional expression, along with racism and misogyny which are enforced through bullying and shaming.

In its extreme form, the Man Box exists to perpetuate the domination, exploitation and marginalization of women, transgenders and alternate sexual choices.

While a large number of men face the pressure to behave, think and feel in certain prescribed ways, the tide is slowly but surely turning in favor of becoming “human” rather than a gender stereotype.

From the Man Box to the emergence of men’s support groups has been a long, challenging and ultimately rewarding journey.

Getting Fit and Growing as a Man after 50

Men are trained from early childhood to follow habits of competition, ambition, opposing, rough and tough behaviors. These faulty and often toxic beliefs are destructive and emotionally repressive, leading to relationship breakdowns, loneliness, stress and depression in men.

As men cross the age of 50, there is a drop in testosterone levels. Some experts have termed this phase “male menopause”.

While this doesn’t strictly follow the pattern of the female menopausal changes, there are several similarities. Many men may experience:

• Energy drop
• Sadness and depression
• Sleep disturbances
• Erectile dysfunction
• Reduced libido
• Weight increase
• Difficulty in concentration
• Low self-esteem/confidence
• Lower bone density
• Low motivation

Maintaining fitness during this period can be challenging. Men are often at the peak of their careers at this stage. According to research, college educated, full-time working men’s wages continue to grow in their forties and usually peak in their 50s.

This leaves little time or inclination for health and fitness. However, this is also the stage when there are significant body changes. There is reduced muscle movement, and muscles begin to become less elastic, with decreased tone and mass.

As the body ages, the water content in the cells reduces from about 65% to 54% as you cross age 50.

Memory loss, higher levels of anxiety and stress may also begin to make their appearance.

Men at 50 may also be at risk of lifestyle diseases such as diabetes, hypertension and certain types of cancer.

Staying fit at this age involves:

• Paying attention to your diet
• Getting regular health exams done
• Maintaining a healthy weight
• Quitting smoking if you do
• Ensuring that you get your full 7-8 hours of sleep
• Taking alcohol in moderation
• Developing a convenient, enjoyable and effective exercise routine
• Staying socially active
• Ensuring that you take your routine vaccinations and immunization procedures

Emotional and Psychological Support

Physical fitness and health are a major determiner of emotional health. However, while crossing the 40s and entering the 50s, there could be certain emotional and psychological issues that crop up.

Studies show that “gray divorce” (involving couples in their 50s) is on the rise in America and has almost doubled over the last decade.  For those aged 65 and above, the rates have tripled. Aging Baby Boomers who have been married before face increasing marital instability in their subsequent relationships.

Gray divorces come with their own set of issues such as increased financial instability, and a deterioration in social life.

While both men and women seek professional help in terms of counseling and therapy, the numbers on the ground show that men tend to avoid counseling for emotional problems. More than 70% women opt for counseling for depression while the numbers for men stand at 60%.

Men are also less likely to take prescription medications for such issues. They avoid asking for professional help till it reaches crisis stage. The results can be devastating, ending in suicide or major mental health problems. Suicides among men is 3.5 times higher than women. Substance abuse is also more common among distressed males.

The main problem is that society expects men to be tougher, and more resilient. They develop higher tolerance for emotional distress, but since the issues are not dealt with, they’re merely suppressed or hidden.

Men are out of touch with their emotions and lack the vocabulary to express them freely. They may not be aware of the depth and extent of their grief, anxiety, stress, etc.

Boys are also taught that it’s important to be independent and not cling to others for help. Another issue is that of trust. Some studies have shown that men are less prone to trust than women. This means that men find it difficult to confide in others or even in their therapists.

Traditionally men (especially white) have always benefited from the political, social and economic order. But this also means increased competition, isolation and anxiety to “man up”.

With the rise of feminism, men feel threatened, unable to express themselves in the ways they’re used to, and are plagued by the feeling that they’ve lost the “privileges” they once had.

Support and Growth in the Golden Years

Many men find it embarrassing and humiliating to share the fact that they find themselves emotionally vulnerable.

In times of stress, anxiety and existential crisis, men’s deep-rooted social training kicks in and they prefer to either bottle it all up or express it in inappropriate ways such as anger, aggressiveness or substance abuse. Faulty social beliefs have made it difficult for men to openly seek emotional help.

Loneliness and isolation are becoming a serious issue in the developed world, with one study showing that more than 40% of men feel that they’re unable to confide in their friends about problems, and nearly 33% of men confessing that they have no friends at all.

In the typical male, there is a “Get over it” or “Deal with it” attitude that prevents a real analysis of the problem. Men quickly learn that displaying emotions in public tends to be viewed with mockery, contempt and shaming. Repressing emotions is considered noble, tough and more acceptable.

Therapy can also be quite an expensive proposition, with uncertain outcomes. There could be a long waiting list to get an appointment with a counselor or psychiatrist.

When there is a need for immediate help, men seldom want to burden their families, friends or co-workers. Men are also trained to be problem-solvers and there is immense pressure on them to handle problems quickly and effectively, and to eliminate problems.

This is where men’s support groups come in.

What Are Men’s Support Groups?

Typical men’s support groups comprise between 7-10 men who gather at regular intervals to share events of their daily lives, their emotions, apprehensions, positive feelings and innermost thoughts in a non-judgmental space.

They provide men with the opportunity to freely express themselves, and get support, advice, education, and take up new challenges for personal growth.

These groups may address issues such as

• Relationship
• Trauma
• Family issues
• Job and Career related problems
• Parenting
• Death, Grief
• Anger management
• Sexual issues
• Domestic abuse
• Alcoholism/Drug addiction
• Health and fitness
• Lifestyle diseases, Cancer or Serious illnesses

Important guidelines for these groups include:

• Commitment and regular attendance
• Respect for privacy and confidentiality
• Taking ownership/responsibility for feelings
• Attentive listening in the group
• Non-judgmental acknowledgment of another person’s expression
• Permission to pass or indicate unwillingness/lack of comfort in participate in the discussion
• Staying away from passing judgment and advise-giving
• Avoiding confrontational questioning
• Emotional honesty
• Providing a safe space for emotional expression

Benefits of Men’s Support Groups

Online discussion and support groups are also gaining ground and men can avail of the benefits from the privacy and comfort of their own homes.

A small-sized support group usually comprises people with similar backgrounds and life experiences. This means that they share the same kind of issues, anxieties, worries, problems of living and decision-making. They gain more self-acceptance, autonomy and control over their social environment. Often, men find a new purpose in life and gain new, valuable friendships.

A support group helps men to find a space where they can truly learn about themselves and how to be themselves.

It can be a place of rest, wellness and safety.

 A men’s support group offers several important benefits:

• It reduces the feelings of isolation and loneliness
• Secure space to express inner feelings
• Group members stop feeling judged
• They learn to be more open and honest about their emotions
• They gain different perspectives and points of view about their problems
• Helps them to improve their anger management
• Improves coping skills
• Helps them feel more empowered
• Opens them up to newer ideas on education, society, culture
• Ensures privacy and boosts trust
• Develops mutually beneficial relationships
• Prevents the need for hasty and immediate problem solving

Finding the Right Support Group

On your part, it’s important to ask yourself whether you’re willing to be honest and open, and genuinely express your feelings, while ensuring that you’re not judgmental about others.

Look for groups located near you, so that you don’t miss meetings.

It’s wiser to choose a group that doesn’t charge fees.

Check out a group across a few meetings before you commit.

Avoid groups that are confrontational or encourage violence, abuse and anger in the name of openness.

Check if the group is affiliated/sponsored by a corporate.

Ensure that privacy and confidentiality are prioritized.